How to succeed as a woman

There is no doubt that modern life is confusing, especially if you are a woman. Fortunately, there are a number of simple rules that you can follow in order to have a successful female life.

First of all, be attractive. If you can’t be attractive, at least make it look as if you’re trying; nowadays there are so many options, from make-up to plastic surgery to injecting yourself with paralyzing poison. Above all don’t be too fat, because that is a sign that you are self-indulgent and lacking in willpower. Is that cake really worth it? But don’t be too skinny either, because real women have curves.

Work hard at your studies and your career, and become a responsible taxpayer and a good role model to those younger than you. However, don’t focus on work too much or you will become a hard-nosed and unattractive “career woman”.

It is vitally important that you don’t sleep with too many men because that makes you a slut. Or too many women either, although you really should put that phase behind you after graduation. On the other hand, don’t be too choosy, because what, you think you’re something special? Being a virgin past a certain age is just freaky.

Of course you will have to marry at some stage, or you will become sad and neurotic. Don’t settle down too young, because that is a brake on your freedom, but don’t leave it too long either, because then you just look desperate. Once you’ve got the ring, don’t nag or become smug. If you end up divorced, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

To achieve real womanly fulfillment, you must have babies, because childless women are self-centered and will never know the true meaning of love. Once the little ones are born, you must breastfeed, but not in public because that is icky. Be strict enough so that your children are not brats, but not too strict or you will damage their delicate psyches. Numbering is important: having an only child makes you little better than those childless weirdos, two is fine, three is okay, four or more — what, do you have no self-control?

Yes, life can be complicated as a woman of the 21st century. It is just as well that we have guidance provided to us by Heat magazine, The Daily Mail, and other such useful publications. Otherwise we might actually start thinking for ourselves, and where would that lead?